| Greetings everyone.
Today I am presenting, a 56k modem hardware review. I am conducting this review for several reasons. The first is that I had these cards on hand, and its not like I actually use them. Secondly, it gives us a blast from the past where we can have a look at hardware we may have used many years ago. Today I am going to compare 3 units. Allow me to introduce you to them.
ISA Card – AKA ‘Pimp Daddy Flex’ | PCI Card – AKA ‘Milkman’ | The Jesus – AKA ‘The Jesus’ |
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-ISA bus card. -Looks like it contains a speaker but no sound chip… -Very bulky MX, Rockwell and Goldstar chips. -Looks like something L33F3R could have made in highschool. -parts made in Japan, Taiwan, Mexico, Korea, Singapore, | -PCI bus card. - Contains a speaker and a sound chip. Also has sound jacks on front. - Intel chip, among others. - parts all made in Malaysia, Taiwan and China. Board made in China. | -Son of God. -Flat and shiny. -Purchased at a Hindu oriented dollar store. |
I will be conducting several tests on
this hardware…
1. Tenderize
2. 15 foot drop
3. Muffin Strike
4. Toilet Flush
5. Drill
Test # 1: Tenderize
I will be conducting this test using a
400 year old wood mallet like thing thats supposed to tenderise meat
but doesn’t do a very good job. I figured it would do perfect for
this test.
I had used this weapon to lightly smash
the units 30 times in 1 second intervals.
Once done. Pictures of the units were
taken and graphs were drawn.
The milkman sustained heavy amounts of damage, particularly in the speaker which shattered. Pimp Daddy Flex sustained a moderate amount of damage but nothing spectacular. The Jesus was heavily damaged beyond repair but soon came back looking brand new.
The test may be considered invalid due to the differences in pressure I may or may not have applied or the positioning of the weapon on the card.
Test #2: 15 foot drop
In this test I had thrown the cards from my bedroom window into the backyard. This is an important test to demonstrate as you never know when an angry wife will throw out your 56k modem.
As you may or may not see: The milkman sustained little or no damage where as the Pimp Daddy Flex had its speaker broken right off.
L33F3R believes that these results demonstrate how hardware manufactures are adapting to changing western society. After having clients 56k modems thrown outside by their wives so frequently, hardware manufactures designed a way for the card to be more durable when thrown great distances. This greatly benefits the end user as they are now able to download more porn, more often.
The Jesus ironically landed flat on his feet during this test.
Test #3: Muffin Strike
In this test I looked at the effects of rubbing one of L33F3R’s secret chocolate chip muffin cupcake things onto the board. This is important because you never know when you will be eating a muffin directly over a 56k modem.
To do this, I took the muffin, and rubbed it on.
Pimp daddy Flex was a hungry bastard. The muffin tore right off. Damage was not noticed during this test. The milkman sustained damage during this test and did not seem so hungry. The Jesus on the other hand, ate the entire thing.
Test #4: Toilet Flush
This test is key for any modern day system builder as you can never know for sure exactly when your 56k modem will accidentally fall into the toilet. I know I have done it at least 3 times. This test has been conducted in some random toilet in the basement which to the best of my knowledge has not been used in over 4 years. It has a wood seat (is this healthy?) and uses a lot of water.
The milkman had a decent spin speed and came very clean from this test. It also looked much better when the camera was flashing. Pimp Daddy on the other hand did not spin at all and retained much of the muffin that was used on it earlier. Overall the Milkman retained more chocolate chips and the Pimp retained more actual muffin.
The Jesus flat out refused to be placed in the toilet.
Test #5: The Drill
This test measures the physical integrity of the card. These results may be useful for anyone who may use their dialup Internet access on the construction site or in a garage. Its an easy mistake to leave a card suspended by a vice and then accidentally put a drill to it. Believe me.
For this test I used a 19.2 volt Craftsman cordless drill, A pre World War 2 vice made by “YORK” and a 3/8ths drill bit designed for wood. The steel and concrete bits I had seemed overpowered for this task. I was also unfortunate enough not to have a functional drill press handy today.
Each card was then tested.
As we can clearly see with the above, both boards are absolutely annihilated. The Intel board however was a hell of a lot worse and will likely make Intel go into damage control mode. The Jesus proved to be impossible to penetrate.
I thank you for having a look at my first real hardware review. Perhaps this will assist you when purchasing your new 56k modem.